Apologies for the lack of report last week, I was very sick all week and pretty much slept from Monday til Saturday, so a quick recap, the maidens won 6-0, the veterans lost 9-0, the thirds drew 0-0, the reserves won 8-1 and had three players sent off and nobody knocked over a teenager with cerebral palsy, so we can keep this report in good taste, and the first team lost 2-0.

So onto the weekend, first up was the maidens who recorded a 3-0 win, due in no small part to Ringwood City forfeiting on the Thursday prior to the match. With RMIT dropping points for the first time this season the title race is back on and firmly in the girls’ hands now.

The thirds travelled to fifth place Baxter, balls were kicked and whistles were blown, someone probably fell over and Robbie Jansen you still have my fucking keys and I want them back. Oh and also a brace to Michael Jansen gave the thirds a 2-0 win.

The veterans travelled to Seaford with eight and half men, the half being a thoroughly injured Vince Ellison. Despite their low numbers and fuck you attitude, they eventually went down 3-0 to the Seaford Legends.

Jesus this one has gone quicker than usual, I wonder if my match reports come in kid sizes? Hmmmm… It’s worth pondering about.

With reserves missing six players due to red cards to Daniel Bain, Michael Seeley and Nobody, and captain Tim Ogle, Michael Leech and Matt Toomer-Smith taking poorly timed holidays, Coach Adolf…errrr I mean Jarrod, pulled some strings and coaxed three former fan favourites out of retirement for the tricky tie against Croydon. Luke Graffen, Chris Eaton and Leigh “I don’t buy things from countries where the minimum wage is below $12 per hour” Boyle all ended their exile in a yellow shirt.

Things started off poorly, and profligacy was the word of the day. It’s hard to put a number on the amount of genuine chances wasted in the first half, but if I had to guess I’d say it was four. With all the changes to the starting eleven, it wasn’t exactly surprising that the team struggled to produce their usual fluid style of football. However the main fault was an inability to calm down and settle on the ball. It was a dour first half and it didn’t get better with beer. Which is a first for me. As the half time whistle sounded, Croydon became the first team to keep the “Shower Crew” scoreless in the first half this season.

The second half was better in the same way that being stabbed in the leg repeatedly is preferable to being stabbed in the arm repeatedly…there’s no fucking difference. Chances went begging like Lindsay Lohan at a methadone clinic, and despite a lot of endeavour by one Stephen Milne, Croydon proved difficult to break down. As the clock ticked down the Shower Crew were handed a lifeline when the opposition keeper handled a back pass, however in their rush to take advantage of the keeper rushing out to protest the indirect free kick, the referee adjudged that the Boronia players were offside and their goal would not stand. This proved to be the final act of the game, or there abouts. Close enough anyway because nothing else happened. 0-0 the final score.

So with a level playing field the first team took the field to contest the Des Thackery Cup, Croydon haven’t been doing too well in the league, but it was this game last year that ruined the first teams unbeaten run, and games steeped in emotion don’t often go to plan.

The game was a physical affair from the outset, and some players attract more attention than others. None more so than Jack Witzke. I’ve rarely seen a player get kicked as much as he does and I remember a coach once saying that he should be able to get at least one player sent off per game. It took seven minutes for Croydon to receive their first yellow card for kicking the living bejesus out of him, and on the twenty minute mark the Croydon captain received his marching orders for a vicious and unnecessary elbow to Jacks childlike face. The floodgates opened soon after, Brian Roper struck first with a trademark header, before Jack Hudson’s composed finish made it 2-0 after some stellar link up play between Darren McCandless and Roper. The half time whistle sounded and the teams left the field with Croydon looking an absolute shambles.

The second half started and Boronia picked up where they left off with Jack Witzke making it 3-0. Croydon gave up playing football and decided to try their hand at pushing people over instead but they weren’t any good at that either. Another header handed Roper his second and Graham Dunne sealed the win with a volley that would be a contender for goal of the season if the Croydon keeper hadn’t been so fucking inept. 5-0 the final score and Boronia retained the Des Thackery Cup. For highlights of the match I think I saw the man in the stands filming the game. His video work is fantastic, however his match reports leave a lot to be desired.

Food of the day: A Croydon Burger. Not worth the fifteen minute wait and borderline offensive service, however it’s the only thing I ate on Sunday apart from the skittles I found on the floor of my car, and they were only marginally worse.

Beer of the day: Asahi Super Dry, a lovely drop but something must have been lost in translation as the beer was actually quite wet.

If you have a positive or negative response or just generally feel like disagreeing, I can be contacted at bscmatchreports@gmail.com