(Disclaimer: I broke the app, this report was too big and had to be split into 2 parts)

I imagine that copious amounts of alcohol, a tattoo gun and cocaine are not a good way to start a weekend. Some things just don’t wash away by Sunday.

More on that later, last week I decided to do something a bit different and make a goals highlight reel of all the matches in place of my usual report. However a combination of Karl failing to give me the YouTube password to upload the video, and Karl refusing to give me the YouTube password that I needed to upload the video meant that I wasn’t able to get it out on time. Yes I could’ve written a report in that time, but I’d already painstakingly looked through 270 minutes of footage to find anything decent worth showing. Luckily for everyone, I managed to procure the YouTube password despite Karl’s reluctance to give it to me.

You know that scene in Mission Impossible, when Tom Cruise crawls through the air conditioning ventilation and descends into the room and hacks the computer moments before the people he’s stealing the information off enter the room? It was less like that, and more like I stole his phone and wedding ring while he was playing and refused to give them back until he gave me the password. In fact it was exactly like that, because that’s what I did. So highlights from last weeks match can be found here (update it can’t be, I may have infringed on some ESPN copyright, trying to splice Messi into it, so click here for the boring unedited video https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ )

So where was I? Oh yes Tatts, drugs and alcohol. I like two of those things, I’m saving one of them for my 80th birthday, when I ride a unicorn down Swanson St. Other people aren’t keen on waiting that long, and one casual observer on Sunday remarked that they’d be definitely coming on end of season trip because and I quote “You had me at Cocaine”

Anyway, let’s start with the girls, a top of the table clash beckoned as they hosted former league leaders RMIT at Brokeback Reserve (credit to Leigh Boyle). After setting the league ablaze like a fire in an orphanage, RMIT had been stumbling in recent weeks. It set up a tense match with the maidens in prime position to open a three point gap at the top of the table.

The girls started strongly and an early goal to Marissa Preston put RMIT on the back foot, the mud and hail however played havoc and made for patchy football. 1-0 the break

RMIT started the second half stronger than the first, but some resolute defending kept them at bay. Mid way through the second half Jess Riley put the maidens 2-0 up but it wasn’t long before RMIT pulled one back to make for a tense finish and cause coach Keith Shepherd to suffer several mild heart attacks. The determined maidens dug their heels in however, and held on for a 2-1.

Despite the girls playing at 11, my day started much earlier. I’d received a panicked call from the resident German requiring access to HV Jones to collect a passport, normally I’d say no, but the last time a German was refused access to somewhere they just busted in and took it anyway, and Ferntree Gully is already slumish enough without a Warsaw situation, and I kind of need my keys.

On arrival to HV Jones it was announced that the passport was intact in Cranbourne. This was the first lie I’d be told that morning. It wouldn’t be the last. Perhaps a little upset that I’d been lied to, or maybe because I’m just generally a vindictive person, I promised to accompany Alex ze German to Cranbourne to retrieve the passport, and then I bailed at the first opportunity and scored a lift with someone else. I laughed the entire way down the peninsula link.

Arriving in Rosebud thirty minutes early I convinced my driver that we had more than enough time to stop by a certain American Fast Food chain that I’ve previously had run ins with, so we could refuel with coffee and hash browns. It turns out 30 minutes is no where near enough time to make a coffee and put 3 hash browns in a bag. Maybe I’m being abit harsh here, with the rising obesity epidemic in America maybe 30 minutes for menial tasks you could train a chimp to do is considered fast these days. So if we measure on the monkeys could do this scale, Rosebud’s finest were up to the task. And yes I do mean Rosebud’s finest, these were the ones are actually earning a taxable income, not just slinging shard in a seedy multilevel car park.

So refuelled and keen to go and only 10 minutes late we headed to Tootgarook reserve. Something seemed off when we got there and I was dismayed to find that there would be no bar, Alex told me there was an emergency bottle of vodka in his boot. 15 minutes later and with his stuff strewn all over the muddy car park it appeared he had lied to me again. As the team got changed the realisation that Matthew Docking superstar keeper for the thirds had come down with something I like to call soft cock syndrome and was unable to play through illness. Luckily for the team Jeff Howard, no relation to Tim, stepped up to don the pink goalkeepers Jersey. Two things struck me as odd when we left the change rooms. Firstly, there was no referee and secondly, the team we were set to play looked to be under 11’s. Being the great detective that I am, I decided to investigate whilst the team scrambled through their wallets searching for working with children’s cards. During a brief discussion with the rosebud representative on site, I was lied to twice.

The first lie was that they had sent an email to inform the club of the venue change for this fixture, the second was that they were sorry about the confusion. Despite Rosebud’s very obvious attempts at unsettling the team, and the slight twinge of fear I felt leaving a team of under 11’s with the Australian Jimmy Saville who claimed to be a coach, we loaded up into our respective cars and headed to the real ground.