In many ways this game was like life, it’s about how you get there not what you do when you arrive. For me the journey down was definitely more eventful than the 0-0 draw we witnessed. However I took a few things from that match, Brent Chesworth has a head made of concrete, Jeff Howard did a bloody sterling job in goals, and the bar opens at 12.

By the time the reserve team game started, I was about as sober as Christian Slater at Oktoberfest. With players returning from holiday and injuries, it was the strongest team the shower crew had assembled in many weeks and with Rosebud’s awfulness at football, communication, town planning, and just life in general there was reason to be optimistic.

The referee however had other plans, and in a cartoonishly villainous act, he awarded Rosebud a penalty for handball midway through the first half when the ball made contact with Stephen Milne’s chest. As the shower crew protested, he twisted his pencil moustache between his thumb and forefinger and laughed maniacally. Rosebud promptly dispatched the penalty but were ordered to retake it after encroachment in the box. Nick Perger stood tall in the Boronia goal and tipped the penalty onto the post and out to keep the score at 0-0. Other stuff probably happened, but no goals and as the halftime whistle rang out, I made my way to the bar for more fuel.

The introduction of Mathieu Toomer-Smith at half time caused celebration amongst the 8 Boronia supporters, and he made all the difference. His passing and runs cut the the super sized Rosebud defence to shreds. On the 60 minute mark gluten free Grant reacted first to a loose ball in the Rosebud box, throwing his knee at it to give Boronia a 1-0 lead. 5 minutes later he pounced on a goalkeeping error to make it 2-0.

Rosebud pulled one back against the run of play to give the match some much needed tension, but after being fouled on the edge of the box, Graham Dunne stepped up to fire in a classy free kick to give Boronia a 3-1 win.

I was lied to for a fifth time that day when Marty promised to take me to the ATM to get more cash out during the opening 10 minutes of the first team’s game. As we drove out onto Besgrove street, he turned to me and shouted “this is an intervention” as he floored his VW Golf and we sped up the freeway towards home.

I contemplated interviewing Brian Roper for the first team section of the report, but I quickly dismissed that thought as he’s far too busy carrying the team and the bayside league through this season. Instead I opted to tempt fate and interview Tristan White again.

Frank: Hey mate how’d it all go on Sunday?

Tristan: Well it was cold as fuck! And the tard had some new gloves!

F: Who’s the tard? I thought Liam was in Europe

T: You know the tall guy who plays for Rosebud, he has a ball of tape in his hand and squeezes it all the time, he seriously is a fucktard!

F: Oh good, I thought you meant retard, and we can’t really use that term anymore

T: Ohh no I think he has a full on mental fucktardation

F: I… That’s not a real thing…. Oh fuck it, if they don’t complain about the cocaine they won’t complain about this. Continue

T: Anyway, It was the most exciting thing that happened in the first 40 minutes as we couldn’t really get our shit together. Then in the last five minutes, the man with the biggest shoulders in the world slammed the ball in the back of the net.

F: Good old reliable Roper. I was actually going to interview him instead, couldn’t fit his ego on the page though. How’d the second half go?

T: The second half started and we came out a lot stronger, and against the run of play the dismal ref from the reserves gave away another dismal penalty.

F: That guy likes giving penalties more than Jiyah likes crowded showers on a cold training night. Why did the twat call this one? Another imaginary hand ball?

T: Nick had the ball safe in his hands, when the Rosebud forward tripped over flakies shoe lace, but yelled loud enough to receive the pen.

F: Makes the game interesting I guess

T: Nahh, Immediately the boys rallied and in the next 5mins shoulders headed the ball in off a corner. After gloating when they scored the penalty Kerrie took great pleasure in getting stuck into the Rosebud players but they were way to slow to get what was going on.

F: That lad seems to have a knack for knowing when people are catching up to him in the scoring charts.

T: Daz then made a tactical move to swap pace for pace and changed Matty Soawyer for Milney, and surprisingly with a quick break Darren and Milnie charged down the ground Dazza with cross Milnie with the finish, bang, game over. Ohh and burger made his annual shit tackle on the smallest player and took out Jack, such a fat fuckhead.

F: Thanks man, I’m literally not editing this one. So the quote mental fucktardation is going to appear.

T: Yeh I’m down

So a 3-1 win for the First team, oh and the veterans lost 7-1, let’s not dwell on that.

Beer of the day: Pure Blonde, hey you don’t get to be this good looking if you don’t watch the carbs.

Food of the day: Bacon and Egg Roll. One of the few good things about Rosebud.

If you have a positive or negative response or just generally feel like disagreeing, I can be contacted at bscmatchreports@gmail.com