At the end of last year the Maidens approached the hierarchy of the club asking for their team to be removed from the Bayside League and entered into the bottom rungs of the FFV state league. Concerns were raised about their ability to compete at a state league level. I myself felt a mid table finish would be a reasonable result.

It’s safe to say the maidens have basically said a collective fuck you to every doubter they had as they took out the league on Sunday in style, and in doing so became the first team at the club to win an FFV title in 30 years, and we couldn’t be prouder of them.

There were some pre game nerves and an argument erupted over what side of the pitch the bench would be placed, footballers are at the end of the day superstitious arseholes. An agreement was reached to move the bench if the halftime result wasn’t favourable, which turned out to be pointless as with their first attack of the game Jess Riley put the maidens ahead, poking in a Megan Cazaly cross. Megan scored her own on the 20 minute mark, expertly using her knee to intentionally (and not at all by pure chance and fuckery) guide an opposition goal kick over the hapless keeper and into the net.

At this point Melbourne University did a line change, just like in hockey with 5 players being subbed. Oh shit did I mention they were playing Melbourne University? I guess I could scroll up and check…but…ah fuck it I’m sure it’ll be picked up in editing. Anyway, Melbourne University Hockey come Soccer team… What would soccer and hockey combined be like? Lacrosse? Probably lacrosse, that’s a shit sport… I shouldn’t be this drunk on a Monday night. Anyway the first half had a few more chances created all went begging, but with the maidens operating on cruise control and Melbourne Lacrosse team showing the on field organisation and footballing ability of a room of monkeys on ecstasy, the girls were able to enjoy their last home game of the season.

The second half started with a penalty being awarded to the maidens for…something… I … I wasn’t paying attention… I dunno maybe Kirsten got punched in the face. Either way, captain Emma Wilkinson stepped up to take it. She eyed the bottom left, lined up, and completely shanked it, fooling the keeper and everyone else as it sailed into the top right corner. Marissa Preston scored an impressive individual effort before Melbourne Lacrosse Team pulled a goal back. Late in the game the Maidens were awarded another penalty which Megan Cazaly converted to round out a 5-1 win, and the league title, and leave her self 4 goals ahead of Brian"5moregoals" Roper in the goal scoring charts.

The Veterans came away from Langwarrin with a surprising 3-3 draw, the reserves and first rolled on towards their own respective titles, each winning 3-0 away to Mornington.

I was supposed to interview Daniel Bain about the reserves match but after the head injury he incurred all I got out of him was his views on wether Red Rooster chips are better than KFC chips.

Tristan however came through in his usual, sick of my bullshit style.

Frank: Hey Trist, this is becoming almost weekly, reckon you could give me a run down of the match?

Tristan: Well the details are hazy but I’ll do my best. So we rocked up to the ground and wondered which pitch we would be playing on, but realised it didn’t matter because they were all shit.

F: Yeah for a club with a lot of money they don’t really use it on grounds keeping, or talent, or ….what the fuck do they use it on?

T: This is an interview mate, have some decorum, maybe abit of professionalism?

F: …I’m not very good at this am I?

T: I’m glad you didn’t have to be told, anyway I was there a bit early so I thought fuck it I’m going for a walk up the side of that mountain, as I was walking I realised there was a 18 yard box on the side of this mountain, and people setting up goals. Another team, another tactical idea that was set to fail.

F: With a pitch like that I bet the scores wouldn’t be level for long hey?

T: Fuck I hate you sometimes

F: …I know… Can we pretend I didn’t say that?

T: You could just edit it out mate, it’s not like someone else is writing all this down

F: Yeah but that sounds like loads of effort, and I can’t even get this out on time, so about that match?

T: Well, Mornington took up Croydon’s game plan, kick out, then whinge like fuck when they get kicked back.

F: It’s more common that 442 these days, so who got the goals?

T: I don’t remember who scored the goals, I think it was me…. I’m pretty sure I scored a hat trick, actually I’m not sure, but I am sure Roper didn’t score, and it seems as though Brian will fall short of Megan’s goal tally, or will his goal tally be as big his ego?

F: Well he already thinks I’m in love with him so I’m definitely not gonna comment on that. Thanks Tristan

T: Just get it out on time mate

F: …

The final match of the day was Boronia vs Endeavour in the bayside 3rd division. The thirds have had a reasonably good season this year, and if they win their remaining games, are well placed to finish 4th on the table.

The game started at a frantic pace, with endeavour getting 2 goals up fairly quickly. I was drinking whiskey so it’s abit hazy but in fairly sure nothing else interesting happened until half time, when Tom Murphy gave a rousing half time speech that even Jarrod White would consider harsh.

The second half was a marked improvement and five minutes into the second half Michael Jansen scored his 12th of the season, finishing calm past the hapless endeavour keeper. Ten minutes later Dave Sidoway turned on a sixpence and fired home from twenty yards out level the scores. With ten minutes left the thirds were awarded a penalty and Michael Jansen stepped up to the mark. His initial right foot effort was saved but he calmly collected the rebound and slotted a left foot finish past the stranded keeper to give Boronia the lead for the first time in the match. An unlikely upset was on the cards, but endeavour rallied and with the last kick of the game they equalised. Enough to break their hearts but not enough to claw them back into the title race which the thirds fucked up for them. I couldn’t be prouder boys!

Food of the day: Caramello Koala. It was pretty awesome, albeit melted since it had been in my car for a week.

Beer of the day: Is actually Whiskey, Glenlivet 12 yr old. Straight. No mixers. You don’t fuck with quality.

Don’t forget big games this weekend, the Maidens are playing of in the FFV division 4 conference finals at Skye Reserve at 12pm and would love as much support as possible, and from there it’s only a short drive to Seaford, where the first team need only a point to seal back to back championships. Get down and support both teams

If you have a positive or negative response or just generally feel like disagreeing, I can be contacted at bscmatchreports@gmail.com