In lieu of my usual match report, and with this being the last league game of the season, I have compiled a one line description of every player in a league winning team at the club. This is meant in jest and is in no way an actual indication of a persons playing ability, personality or personal life, and quite frankly if you can’t take a joke, 1. I don’t fucking care 2. You’re probably too fucking stupid to be reading these reports anyway.

The vets lost 2-1 on Friday to Montrose, the thirds had their game forfeit, the reserves drew 2-2 with Croydon and completed an undefeated season, as did the firsts winning 2-0

Ok let’s begin with… The Maidens

Casey Wheat: The Maidens equivalent of Harry Potter. Rocked up to club 2 years ago knowing absolutely nothing, now a key member of the team and a wizard with a push up bra.

Steph Vanderhorst: The organiser, runs our social functions and orders our merchandise. Everything is planned on an excel spreadsheet. Probably wouldn’t be able to get dressed without referring to her planned daily activities.

Catherine Taylor: A conflicted player on the pitch, will happily poleaxe the opposition to gain the advantage, but then tragically wastes it by stopping to give medical treatment to the player she’s just killed.

Emma Wilkinson: I’m actually going to let Wilko off the hook here, as she has edited all my match reports this year, so this is a kind of thank you for that.

Aria Dhariwal: Might have scored a goal this year, if she spent more time training and less taking selfies

Maša Mihaljcic: The Roy Keane of the team, got so angry once that her hair turned red, she still hasn’t managed to get it back to its natural colour.

Tanielle Djohan: Lives life in a constant acid trip, her vocabulary is entirely made up of quotes from Disney-Pixar movies

Kirsten Murray: One hit wonder. The nicest person in the world, perpetual target for the shower crews pranks and Internet memes. Can’t score a goal under normal circumstances….

Jess Riley: The last surviving member of the Riley dynasty, spends the majority of her life adding hashtags to sentences.

Megan Cazaly: The only person on this list, likely to get through the big pearly gates on judgement day. Scored some good goals with the help of the big fella up stairs

Marissa Preston: The import from Gippsland with a vocabulary that would make a sailor blush.

Sinead McGettigan: The last surviving McGettigan. Small in stature and generally quiet. Apply liberal amounts of vodka however and becomes noisier than a bag of cats in an oven

Tijana Mihaljcic: Less fiery than her equally impossible to pronounce last name sister. Is easily distracted by small animals.

Katherine McMahon: Aptly nicknamed Little, easily the smallest person at the club, unless you take Cowan’s….appendages into consideration

Steph Russell: The newbie. I don’t know that much about her, abit over exuberant with the Facebook posts.

Mikaela Ellison: More of an honourable mention than anything else as she has been MIA all season.

Emma Wilkinson: Couldn’t resist, the captain of the team and an insufferable grammar nazi. Spends all her free time telling me I can’t make jokes about orphans and building fires.

The Reserves

Nick Perger: If you locked this man and Liam Edwards in a room with a typewriter for 10 years you would either find the greatest story ever written, or they’d both still be one upping themselves about that girl they scored with that one time in high school.

Cowan Waddingham: More likely to eat a cockroach than a vegetable

Michael Leech: The classic English centre half, if only because he plays centre half and happens to be English.

Edmund Tan: The only person on the team who looks more Asian than Tim Ogle. Struggles to take throw ins due to his impossibly short arms.

Jiyah Cave: Everyone has skeletons in their closet, Jiyah has himself bound and gagged.

Michael Seeley: The one man on the list I’m terrified of, if they made throat guards I’d wear one around him.

Cameron Janky: Built like a whippet and twice as quick, can cross and shoot and go past players with ease. Plays the game on his own terms which is why he doesn’t do a lot of the above.

Mathieu Toomer-Smith: A talented player who can literally bleed without being touched. Constantly wrapped in cotton wool, which gives the appearance of an oversized tampon.

Daniel Bain: The spiritual leader of the shower crew, hard as a rock and doesn’t shy away from a challenge, brings those qualities onto the pitch as well.

Jarrod White: A dictator and a slave driver, is identified by his mating call “USELESS” can be heard on a Sunday when he gets particularly excited.

Tim Ogle: Perpetually late to everything and never showers, which makes sense because straightening your hair takes time

Grant Bertrand: Old elephant touch. A nightmare for anyone to play against because even he doesn’t know where his first touch is going to go, more often than not its into the back of the net but I’m not sure he knows too much about it

Martin Armit: Fiery, confronting, and a little offensive, and that’s just his haircut. Wears his heart on his sleeve and after a few drinks his tears all over mine.

Daniel Thompson: Codenamed the bear because apparently bears can’t swim and neither can he, definitely not because his chest makes an Albanian woman’s back hair seem sparsely populated

Daniel Phillips: Beyoncé called and she wants her booty back.

Cameron “Smithy” Martin: Active distaste for people with an oral fixation, communicates better with pictures than words…just like a baby gorilla

The Firsts

Liam Edwards: The man who taught me that clouds are actually composed of steroids and tall stories

Tristan White: Avoids beer as he is in constant fear of angering the fitness gods, just as likely to break the opponents leg as he is his own

Matt Verniers: The man whose Facebook hack inspired me to do this instead of a report. To my knowledge the only person at the club who consistently loses poker to Tom Murphy

Dale “Flakey” Malone: The king, the beard, and probably the nicest bloke you could meet at Boronia, since Daniel Sobrio is missing and presumed dead. Shit taste in beer though

Eoghan Geoghegan: Likes the cards and the colour yellow so much he tries his damnedest to receive one every week.

Brian Roper: There’s only one thing bigger than this mans ego…

Jack Witzke: The only bloke I know with a six pack who has the fitness levels of a drunk armadillo. Looks like he can run all day but then calls for a sub after 15 minutes.

Jack Hudson: ….I don’t want to get arrested

Matthew Soawyer: Matt with the tats. A wispy winger who for some reason grabs his crotch before every pass, cross or shot.

Graham Dunne: A perfect example of what our club does to people. Fit as fiddle, talented and professional when we imported him from Dublin. Fast forward 3 years and he’s rocking a dad bod and throwing bottles at Rosebud players.

Ryan Craig: Quiet and unassuming, keeps a profile so low I didn’t realise he’s been away on holidays for 2 months.

Craig Kerr: Kerry playing in this team is like a bunch of 14 year olds drinking a bottle of 1961 Château Latour. You know they don’t appreciate the class and eloquence of it, and as a result it’s wasted on them.

Darren McCandless: Quicker than a knife fight in a phone booth…at the bar, on the pitch however…

Stephen Milne: The Fire Warden. Possibly the funniest bloke at the club, if you’re a fan of suffocating on the residue of dry powder fire extinguishers.

Marty O’Hare: More time spent on the physios table than the pitch, Tommys rub downs must be other worldly.

Also, fuck JP

If you have a positive or negative response or just generally feel like disagreeing, I can be contacted at bscmatchreports@gmail.com.